The Toxic Relationship-Part 2

Just thinking about how to deal with a toxic relationship can be overwhelming. However, if we break down the task into manageable steps, we can step out of what is holding us back and into a position of power.

Simple Solutions: Ten Steps to Resolution

Step 1: Assess the current relationship. In a journal entry, describe your current relationship- the good and bad aspects. Describe how you feel when you are around your partner. Describe what attracts you to your partner. Describe all of your worries and concerns.

Step 2: Get Selfish: Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. We often put our relationship and our partners needs above our own. Begin to believe in yourself- you are perfect and whole just the way you are. The combination of your strengths and weaknesses make you unique and special.

Step 3: Get Support: Tell your friends and family about your situation. Ask them for the support you need. If you feel you need something more, seek out a therapist or life coach. They provide support that is professional, nonbiased and confidential.

Step 4: Wait a day or so, and start another journal entry. This time, write down as many qualities about your ideal relationship-be as descriptive as you can. Then, make a list by picking out the essential elements of that ideal relationship.

Step 5: Cross Reference. Take your list from step one and your list from step four, and determine to what degree your current relationship matches your ideal relationship. This will highlight where the gaps are in your relationship.

Step 6: Clearly state your concerns. Make time with your partner to identify the issues. During this conversation, use I statements. For example, "when you point out my weaknesses in front of my friends, I feel embarrassed and hurt."

Step 7: Set Boundaries & Follow Through: Clearly let your partner know what you will and will not put up with. You must follow through. Making excuses or tolerating unacceptable behavior undermines the process.

Step 8: Set a time limit: Wait about three weeks. Then, reevaluate whether things are improving or not.

Step 9: Make a clean break: If the relationship has not improved according to your standards and time line, it may be necessary to dissolve the relationship. Being friends, at least in the short term, is not a good idea because the boundaries can become blurred, increasing the risk that you will be sucked back in. A clean break will allow you make space in your life for a new relationship which is more closely alligned to the qualities you identified in Step 4.

Step 10: Reflect and Prepare: Toxic relationships can teach us a great deal about ourselves. We can use our experience to determine what we do not want in our relationships. Furthermore, they can strengthen our resolve to find relationships that support our wants and needs. In the mean time, continue to build yourself up and make room for your next relationship.

The purpose of relationships is to teach us about ourselves. As difficult as they may be, toxic relationships get us thinking about what we want and what we deserve. As a result, we can use our learning to move us closer to a healthy, supportive, and complete relationship.